The Biblical review

In an ongoing effort to keep all you asses on the cutting edge of all things Lloyd, I give you the latest in my continuing series of movie reviews.

This week: "The Passion of the Christ"

Starring:

-- Jesus (duh)
-- Directed by: Riggs from the 'Lethal Weapon' film series.

Let me cut right to the chase. This movie probably made Jesus roll in his grave. If He were alive today, he would die from embarrassment at what Hollywood did to His legacy.

Of course, Jesus would then rise again three days later, then die, then rise again three days later, and die again, and, well, you get the point, asses.

I rented this in the hopes that its R Rating would be indicative of something along the lines of gratuitous cleavage, liberal swearing and perhaps a few car chases and/or gunfights set in Biblical times.

Boy, was I let down. The dialogue was also very tough to understand for almost all of the movie. I think I may have rented the French dub of it by mistake.

Another thing -- The Jews came off looking really bad in this thing. If I were Jewish, I'd be really angry, as this makes their ancestors look like a band of murdering scoundrels. Oy!

Disappointment aside, I think this franchise has major upside potential to be turned into a trilogy ala "Spider Man" or (listening Mel?) "Lethal Weapon."

The second movie, tentatively titled "Jesus: Resurrection, Redemption, Revenge" could skip over a lot of the plot establishment this first one spent so much time on.

We get it! They don't like him, so they're going to nail him to wood. Sheesh!

Instead, the sequel can jump right into the plot.

We open with a shot of The Messiah riding through the desert on a camel gangsta' style alongside his sidekick named "Chip" (played by Jackie Chan, Chris Tucker or Crocodile Dundee). They are probably talking about something like how hung over they are from the night before or the fine tail they met up with in Bethlehem.

Suddenly, from behind, the duo is ambushed by a pack of renegade Jews hell-bent on revenge as Jesus and Chip recently busted their illegal chain of cocaine trafficking .

A camel chase ensues. Lots of dramatic skidding and fishtailing, and a hilarious montage where the chase leads them through a busy part of town and an old lady gets a watermelon stuck on her head during the course of the melee.

That's a must.

The chase ends with Jesus and Chip riding backwards on their camels and disposing of the renegade Jews by hurling explosive holy wafers at them right before their two camels jump a wide gorge.

Jesus also utters his catch phrase for the first time at this point:
"Thou shalt not piss me off!"

That's when we get the movie title and opening credits, set to the tune of "Kumbyah, my Lord" as performed by Paul McCartney and Metallica.

As you can see, this writes itself. The first version by Gibson was so lame, anything close to my vision would be divine.

Overall rating for "The Passion, part I:" D-minus.

Hope no one else out there wasted their time and money on this Holy crap.

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Current mood: Benign
Current music: A Chipmunks Christmas