Pitching a Tent for Tracy

You heard right. Lloyd is starting his own club. It's called Pitching a Tent (wink, wink) for Tracy, and it's dedicated to my favorite "Growing Pains" hottie, Tracy Gold herself. If you're interested in joining, leave me a comment.

DMoany, Hairy Balls and Pinocchio need not apply since they're in the rival fan club, Pitching a Tent for Alan Thicke. Women need not apply since they are not anatomically capable of pitching a tent. All others (including Arab-Americans, Italians, Jews and Blacks) are encouraged to apply. No Amish, please.

Lloyd's Monday - My latest, favorite fellow blogger find

Good tidings from Lloydville this Monday afternoon.

I have had a relatively good day. Wanda from security was just blamed and subsequently fired because they suspected her of being the one crapping on the hood of the boss' car.

Lloyd is still in play, asses!

In other news, I came across this new gem of a blog thanks to the "More Blogs" button at the top of the blogspot.com screens.

I'd have to say it reminds me of one DMoany's musings, though I havent heard from him in more than a month.

Nevertheless, I wanted to post and critique one of my favorite entries.

Hope you enjoy this as much as I do!

If you care to read more, you can find further posts here:
http://isyournewbabymakingyougay.blogspot.com/2005_08_01_isyournewbabymakingyougay_archive.html

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Thursday, August 25, 2005

Adventures in Metrosexuality (Is this a town? Ha ha!)

Having grown bored with life in Central Kansas, I decided to make achange. (Of clothes?) When I cut my hair (you only have one hair? Woah. Just go bald, Kojak.), which I've recently started doing myself (cheapskate),I gave myself a buzz cut with a 1 guard. I do believe that the buzzcut is the new gay/metro hairstyle of the moment (I thought the new gay style would be more of a bun with rainbow highlights. But that's just my opinion), having surpassed thefaux hawk. I credit Matthew Fox from Lost. ( I credit a lot of free time in Central Kansas and a set of dormant clippers)

In other self pampering news, I've followed AKS' lead and went to atanning salon. (I go to one too, usually with my mom. They don't allw cats, otherwise Mittens would go too) The first time went OK, so I went in for a package. However, this second time, I tanned too long and now my upper torso isred instead ( You should wear lobster claw gloves on your hands and terrorize local seafood restaurants) of a gorgeous Jason Shaad (who the hell is this?) -like tan. I wasn't expecting a tan right away, but I wasn't expecting to burn. After the redness goes away, I'll just tan for less time ( You are a genius).

Hot new haircut + hot new skin tone = hot new me. (This seems like pretty fuzzy math to me...)

This blog is one entertaining shipwreck. Lloyd out.

Dumbovan Asskinson strikes again...and this time, he's got a job at another newsletter

From www.universitydailykansan.blogspot.com.

"Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Jobby job
I got a jobby job, as Michelle would say (Are you trying to be Snoop Doggy Dog? You've got a long way to be as cool as my bro Snoop. Perhaps this is a reference to your love of the animal...and I think you know what I mean by that.), today. I accepted a position as a page designer with the Oshkosh Northwestern (Oshkosh-be-gosh-nobody-cares). It's a small Gannett paper in Oshkosh, Wisc. They're really big on having their people advance (When you're at the bottom, there's nowhere to go but up) and it seems like a really neat place to be. Every year, the town hosts an airshow, a country music festival and soemthing to do with Ducks Unlimited (more animal action, of course).Of course, y'all will be free to visit me in Wisconsin once I find a place to live.-- Dumbovan"

I looked up Crapville, Wis. The median household income is $39,000. Have fun in Shittsville with your cheese, country music and ducks. Make sure your papa sends some of his shit soup (a.k.a. pudding) along for the ride.

DMoany's favorite movie

Lloyd is in the house with his Ebert & Roeper mask on. Mittens is Gene Shalit.

I rented the most God-awful movie this weekend:
"The Lion King"

Let's start with the premise. A group of animals reside in Africa and they set up a system whereby they are able to elect a King and Queen -- Lions!

On top of their uncanny ability to process the innerworkings of governments, they all fnd time to take dance and voice lessons, then practice the steps together, off-camera.

Then, all of a sudden, without any sort of warning, they bust out into song and dance over a bunch of shit.

When I want to see animals dance and sing, I'll take my damn lunch break and Chuck-E-Cheese's and stick a few quarters in a robot mouse.

When I rent a goddamn video with animals, I expect to see a little realism.
"Eat the fat flatulent pig!"

I cannot tell you how many times I yelled that at the screen. (17, I belive.)

So anyway, the movie goes along and this "King" gets killed because he's too stupid to know where all the cliffs are in his kingdom. I say serves him right.

Then, just when I think the little runty prince lion kid is going to go all "Dirty Harry" revenge and just stary slaying and eating his subjects, what happens?

A terrible song and dance number.

I don't really know how the movie ends. I had to get up and use the can and forgot to press pause.

If I had to make a guess, I'd say the kid lion grows up and marries that girl lion he was friends with.

Then they probably get their jungle boogie on and make like 15 lion cubs. And then the female will eat no less than four. (Accodring to the Discovery Channel). And then they will break out in song.

God, I hated this movie.

That said, I think my pal DMoany loves it and has probably made love to it, given his obsession with humping animals.

I'd give it an F, though I'm sure DMoany would give it an A for "oh, you animal, you."
Lloyd is out.

Failed attempts at humor

What up asses --

Lloyd is back in the casa with a new case of caca to dish.

My weekend was one hell of roller coaster ride, if by "ride" you mean crap-filled hurricane.

For some reason, my mom got it in her head that I should mow her yard. What am I? 14-years-old? No no. Lloyd is a professional in the truest sense of the word. That being the case, I hired some migrant workers who hang out in my bank's parking lot to do the work for me. Three of them cost what just one Lloyd would have to do the same job.

What a bargain!

Looks like I also have a secret admirer in one Harry Dunes, who likes to leave blog posts that allude to a cinematic persona I happen to share a name with.

While I thought Jim Carrey's talking ass in "Ace Ventura" was funny, what he did to sully my good name in "Dumb and Dumber" was anything but.

Still, I can take the crap just as well as I can dish it, so lay it on. Maybe we can swap muffin recipies. I thought my pal DMoany would have had a few, but he ended up being more into bestiality than I cared for.. I guess that's what you do in rural Kansas.

Mittens says: "gross!"

Well, I'm off to an evening of "Night Court" reruns on TV and a bag of Bugles to nosh on under the covers. Tina -- I have the best story to tell you at work. Ask me about poison ivy and midgets when you see me next.

Current mood: Vigilant
Music: Lionel Richie's Greatest Hits

Thank me later, Dumbovan aka "Harry"

"DMoany" and "Harry Conick, Jr." (suspected alias of DMoany),
I know you "two" bros are out there, and for this reason, I am going to try to hook you up with a fine young piece of ass. DMoany, now that I've attempted to get you some action, please stop talking about Mittens and sexual intercourse. No readers of this blog like that stuff. Here are excerpts from my friend Teresa's blog. She's chillin' in the real OC.

"Fast forward -- mid coitus I kinda throw out there (because I'm a bitch), "Was your original intention just to fuck me?" He looks at me..."No...I actually wanted to hang out...why, did you only wanna fuck me?" I laugh and say of course not. Because really, I thought I'd get out of this without being molested. Molestation is the wrong word, because I obviously consented in the (in the name of sexual release), but still!"

Teresa's life is better than a Jackie Smith novel. Jeez! To check this out yourself, visit: http://unadulteratedinsanity.blogspot.com/

What now, bitches?

The moment has finally arrived. My new toilet seat was delivered today, and to commemorate the occasion, I christened it this afternoon. Thanks, Grandma's meatloaf! :)

Luckily, I was able to play hookie from the bank to drop what I would imagine DMoany's crazy grandpa's shit soup (a.k.a. pudding) would look like. It was a "huge" relief.

The picture on the toilet really taps into my spirituality and beliefs. It's representative of Siddhartha, the supreme Buddha. It's also representative of the feelings Mittens and I share about the situation in Tibet. Don't even get me started on the Sudan. Jeez!

In keeping with Asian roots, the toilet was manufactured in China. Those guys sure know how to make a good shit seat.

Ode to Scrubby the imaginary paper dog

So I'm chatting with Tina at the bank today, and we somehow get on the topic of imaginary friends.

Turns out she had one that told her to burn things.

Anyway, I said 'Tina, there's this guy with a blog who writes about his invisible paper dog, Scrubby.'

I mean, I have a REAL cat, named Mittens, who just adores Star Wars and warm trays of brownies forbreakfast as much as I do - we are kindred spirits.

To top all that off, we both have very strong opinions about Tibet and feel that it's plight is directly linked to the success or failure of international soccer teams.

But watching movies, at home, alone with a fake paper dog? What a wacko.

In other news, look for a post later this week about a new toilet seat I should be receiving via snail mail. Turns out you can get ones that are heated. Cold toilet seats just aren't any fun. If I'm going to spend six hours on the can in a day, I may as well be comfortable. You have to make sure everything gets out.

I saw 'Wedding Crashers" earlier this week. A great movie all around, though that Rachel McAdams "hottie" has nothing on the sex appeal of Kathy Bates. She can tie me up and hold me captive in a cabin in the snowy woods any day of the week. Meeeyow! ;)

Current music: Journey's greatest hits
Current mood: Emotionally bloated

For more information on Scrubby's plight, visit:
http://harrydunne70.blogspot.com/

Unity

Thanks to a socialite in Joplin, I found out that our fan of beastiality is none other than Donovan Atkinson (a.k.a. Dumbovan Asskinson). A quick Google led me to find out that he not only is Jamacain, he also loves working for newsletters. That sounds about as interesting as my gig at the bank. Jeez!

Dumbovan, this one's for you:

U.N.I.T.Y., love a black man from infinity to infinity
Who you calling a bitch? (Dumbovan Asskinson)
U.N.I.T.Y., U.N.I.T.Y. that's a unity

WARNING, WARNING, WARNING

This is NOT a test of the emergency broadcast system. Citizens of America, readers of Blogger, keep your pets locked up. There is some humorless man ("Dmoany") suggesting that you engage in acts of beastiality with with your furry felines, your dashing dogs. Keep this "man" (and his crazy gramps, for that matter) off of your blogs and away from anything that walks on all fours. It can only end in trouble.

In other news, I had a rad weekend. While some enjoy posting about shit soup (a.k.a. gramps' pudding), I won't spend this post talking about bad food. Pictures coming soon. Keep checking back.

What next? Back to the bank in a few hours (insert "damn" here). Marta, I'm dying to here what b.s. Kat pulled during the Saturday shift. That's all for now, bitches.

Lloyd here, over and out.

Oh, what a day

Intersting turn of events, really.

If you peruse past blocks of comments attached to some of my previous beautiful prose, you will be witness to a person calling himself "dmoney" or "doitforme"

Most recently, he has taken it upon himself to respond to my wit on other people's blogs. See here:

http://luckyboots.blogspot.com/

As you can plainly see, he has stooped to taking blunt and rather vulgar blows at my views and how I live my life.

Now, don't you worry about 'ol Lloyd. I'll be just fine. Been called worse, in fact.

But, you should take note that this fellow is so spineless and fearful of my witty prose, that he has relocated his blog not once, but now TWICE (I assume he has stopped, though we shall never know), while I have endured and will continue to do so at this address.

What's really unfortunate here, is that all this could have never happened if someone (Dmoney) had a sense of humor.

You can't find the posts now, but this little man wrote endlessly about his crazy grandpa making pudding, his take on the Gillmore Girls, his whiny views on having to help his parents move.
And he can't take a little friendly criticism and good 'ol fun sarcasm??

I think this guy has more issues than me, if that's possible.

I offer muffin recipies, back rubs and more ( as a JUST FRIENDS gesture. DMoney is apparently hard up and keeps alluding to wanting to have sex with me even though I have never made such an offer.)

Well, DMoney, you can keep running, but I will probably stumble across you again some day in some way and make you run again, like the little weenie that you are.

I'm off to a rad sci-fi convention and built a Darth Maul costume for Mittens.

See DMoney? I go out and socialize. More than I can say for you and your well-versed critiques of pudding.

Current music: "Superman IV" soundtrack
Mood: Tired, but not for long. (Thanks, Red Bull!)

Celebrate good times -- Come on!

Lloyd is in the hizz-ouse.

Might I suggest that all you asses take a break from your bellyaching and stop to celebrate Niger's Independence Day. That nation's bloody revolution brought a new day for the shackled black man. As my mentor, idol and would-be friend Malcolm X always used to say, "... you can't keep the black man down." Amen, brother.



Mittens shows his support for Niger's freedom by enduring what he considers a representation of what Niger's black citizens were forced to do during their bloody days of slavery -- prior to Honest Abe's intervention. Honestly, Abe, good move. He's only carrying the coolest Lego castle on my block, but Mittens isn't as big as a black man. (Get your heads out of the gutters, people.)

For all my SW co-fans, don't forget tonight's Meetup at the Daluca Springs Hobbytown. Lightsabers required. Check your Bank of America bullshit at the door.

Oh, and Dmoney is "D biggest loser."

Peace out.

I ate a large pizza for breakfast

So -- All you asses are hatin' on Lloyd.

Well, let me just say that as I type this in my Star Wars Sweatpants and fromt behind my Darth Vader face paint, you all have terrible sense of humor.

I chuckled at some of your entries and will continue to do so.

I will definitely be critiquing more in the coming posts, for grammar, punctuation, and verb usage.

I have also laughed and continue to do so at the "Who is Lloyd?" contest still ongoing at the that Kansas blog, or wherever.

What amazes me throughout now, is that you actually take offense to some, if not all of my witty banter?

You people write about buying steak with your crazy grandpa. You write about kitchen appliances you bought. You tell the world about the muffins you like to eat. You go on and on about crappy paintings and then cry just because I say I dont like them. You moan about the heat.

As mittens would say: "meaow!"

Translation: Lighten the hell up, asses!

Cuz Lloyd ain't going nowhere, and my blog kicks all of yours in the testicles.

Current mood: Constipated

Music: Hansen's "Mmm-bop!"

Quote of the day:

I’ll buy you a diamond ring my friend,
If it makes you feel alright,
I’ll buy you anything my friend,
If it makes you feel alright,
For I don’t care too much for money,
For money can’t buy me love.

-- Doug Flutie

Read this if you have trouble sleeping

OK asses, listen up. In case any of you needed a sleeping aid, I have taken it upon myself to dedicate some of my precious time to adding witty remarks to my pal's blog, which you can find here.

http://iminitforme.blogspot.com/

He's banned me and likely you from leaving any comments on his posts. And let me just say -- anyone who fears a few remarks on posts about the Gillmore Girls...Wow.

I dedicate this critique to Mittens.
---------------------------------------
My weekend at home For the first time in a long time, I stayed at home for the weekend ( where else would you spend it, ass?).

Considering I was out until 4 a.m. drinking in Junction City, it was probably for the best.

So Saturday, my grandpa and I went to Kuntz' Drive In for lunch. It's pronounced Koontz, not Cunts, (thanks for clearing that up. I've been saying it wrong for years, NOT!) by the way. My grandpa's nephew owns it, so we went to "help him out." Although Marvin does a pretty good business that our buying two 3 pc. chicken dinners probably didn't make much of a difference (cheapskates!).

But it was delicious and they have root beer on tap, like at old A&Ws. It was damn good rootbeer. (Sprite is better)

Then grandpa and I ran errands. We went to Dollar General, ALCO and Zey's Market. (here's where I and you start falling asleep....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...)It took forever. (tell me about it)

I've discoverd that my grandpa worries over the littlest things (like having to wear old-person diapers?hahahahaha).

They didn't have big bottles of Pine-Sol at Dollar General and he looked so upset, like his dog died or something. And when we went to the market it reminded me why you should never go shopping in the place that you work. My grandpa is the meat ( you said meat -- hahahaha) cutter there, so when he wanted steaks, he went straight to the back and cut up some steaks.
(Does he date any of the sample girls?)

Then he was helping customers pick out steaks and then he repriced a bunch of KC strips that had been mislabeled.


On Sunday, we went to church. It was a short service as my grandpa's niece Twila (yes, that's her real name) (yes, that's a dumb name) and her family were gone and her son-in-law is the lay ( you said lay hahahahaha) leader. So we breezed through the service, which was good because it was as hot as balls (like testicles!) in there. I don't even remember what today's service was supposed to be about because I kept zoning out. The pastor did talk an awfully long time about coffee and how it's best when it's hot. ( I would zone out too.. Oh wait. Your blog has already made me do that...)

We had lunch at Great Aunt Sarah's, which is always good because she used to be a professional cook. We had roast beef and pork, mashed potatoes, noodles, corn on the cob, some other vegetables, salad, a fruit salad my grandpa made, angel food cake and some cherry dessert his ex-wife who was married to Great Aunt Sarah's son made. (too much information!! By the sound of the menu, you must be training to get up to sumo wrestler size, fatty)

Lunch time conversation was intersting. We talked about church, Marvin and Sandy's trip to Alaska, how some lesbians are moving in next door (gasp! You should petition the county to prevent this) to Marvin and Sandy, and other random stuff.

Apparently Marvin and Sandy currently have a gay man living next door to them and they think lesbians may be moving into his house. I really wanted to tell Marvin that it would be to his benefit to have lesbians next door. He would always have some to play golf or softball with, ( have a three-way) they could help him move and they would probably let him come along on Home Depot trips. Just kidding girls, I know they're stereotypes. ( no, they are not, ass.)
After lunch, we just kind of sat around and I started to fall asleep, so grandpa gave me his car keys and I came home. I fell asleep around 3:30 and didn't really wake up until 6 when grandpa asked if I wanted to go back to Sarah's for dinner. (boooorrrrrriiiinnnnggggg) So we went back and had ham sandwiches and jello. Then we played Sequence for forever. It was fun, but Aunt Sarah's friend Marie is a little addled so it was hard watching her play.


(and so ends a blog so tediously boring it made mittens fall asleep with her face in her food. This guy is soooo lame. What do you think?)