Lloyd marks a milestone

More than 1,000 profile views, bitchazzz!!

Lloyd in the house for a quick round of bragging and boasting.

For all you haterz out there who don't like what I do, the number above speaks for itself.
That's right. Since I started this little page, more than 1,000 people have taken a gander at my genius.

Let's just take a walk down memory lane at the top 10 comments left here for moi:

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10: Anonymous said... LLoyd you are pathetic. You call insulting people you don't even know "ribbing?" Keep up the good work Lloyd, your karma will be shot to hell soon enough and then you'll be wondering why you got cancer at the ripe young age of 40. Have a nice life pig, I truely hope for your sake that you find some sort of enlightenment. You will be laughed at for the rest of your life and the only "power" you will ever have is your weak excuse for wit that you post up here in your landfill of a blog.

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9: elvira black said... Congrats to you on your promotion!
As for the guy in question:

I think your serial killer gaydar was running on fresh batteries with that one.

Cute--sure. But a lot of people found Richard Ramirez and Ted Bundy to be quite fetching as well.

You know the old saying: just as easy to marry a rich man as a poor man--

In turn, just as easy to schtup a nice cute man as a sick/twisted cute man (isn't it? Well, what do I know).

I had a blogpal who constantly harangued me to reveal my phone number and address, and also "helpfully" offered to let me use his server--"no strings attached"--of course.

It wasn't a sex-type thang--just a manipulative control thing.

10:19 AM

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8: Justin said... Sticks and stones lloyd. You could have asked at least for an explanation, I see a lot of comments in the middle of my entry, I'll explain a few things like...I did mention that I would try, and try I did, and succeeded. Also, all the descriptions, in which you think I am high, you would be right, but I'm high on emotions, there is a such thing, its called: an emotional high! Go figure! Cliche, maybe, I mean, seriously, if you ever fell in love, you would be typing the same exact thing, of course it would be met by no comments, because you would be immediately rejected if he/she ever DID read yur blog. Power being on the fritz...that was just...dull...didn't catch any more interest. As for yur theory that I am a homosexual, I have to disprove that one as well. If you notice, which you probably don't, the one I am in love with, is a FEMALE, theres the FE there in the beginning. The stalker thing...well, that would make sense, IF WE WEREN'T ALREADY BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND. Yur smart lloyd, but you lack common sense. Racist jokes? Nah, she prefers when I put you down. And yes, I did over come the writers block. Thank you.

So over all, I have to critique your critiqing, and give it a...D! Sounds about rite.

9:24 PM

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7: Danny said... Llloyd:

Thanks for visiting my blog. I appreciated your comment, and maybe I will try to getting drunk and crapping in someone's yard. I guess ass is the operative word around here? :) LOL
I'll have to stop in here more often, just to have a laugh. Thanks for helping me to see the lighter side of things, ass! :)

10:32 PM

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6: PinotInTheLou said... i disagree with the last comment..not only do you need to get out more, but you need to get laid as well, and judging from your pathetic blog (the hilights of which are the purchase of an egg beater and a night of playing dressup as potter) you aren't. it's also amusing to read your futile attempts at being a witty wordsmith (tepid weather? who says that? that's so victorian england) when i lived in edinburgh, my roomate used to call this flaming guy we knew a bummer, because, well, if you can't figure that one out for yourself, then you're even less intelligent than i gave you credit for. but then again, it sounds like you know exactly what it's like to be a "bummer." i've wasted enough time. it's friday night, i don't want to keep you from a childrens' costume party at the local bookstore or an exciting evening beating eggs, among other obviously small things.

2:38 PM

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5: DMoany said (via email) ... What is your fucking problem? Are you so pathetic thatyou have nothing better to do than berate and make funof other people? You make me sick. Like your posts areso great. All you write about is your own shit andyour cat.

Grow the fuck up and stop harassing me.

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4: Anonymous said... love what you did with your hair. and the glasses, oh my god you turn me on so much. i want your babies so bad. please tell me you want me loyd. your curley hair makes me want to sit on your face. Funny... your nose job looks so much like tracy..

9:50 AM

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3: doitforme said ... And since you're being petty, I might as well stoop to your level. Your "castle" looks like it was made by a five-year old. You're 29 (for the third time in a row) and you still play with Legos, dress like Harry Potter and go to Star Wars meetings? Seems like you're the loser to me.

By the way, your cat is fat. But I guess that's what happens when it's internal orgtans get messed up from you fucking it with your tiny, tiny penis.

You make me sick, asshole.

5:22 PM

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2: Simon Bates said... Just when I thought I'd seen the internet get lower than it can possibly go, along comes this utter utter berk with a picture of his shit on a bathroom wall. Congratulations. this is probably the best thing you'll ever accomplish, I look forward to seeing you avoid the "pigs" while high on alcohol, ketamine and cough syrup on America's Worst Police Chases

4:45 PM

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1: doitforme said... Who mentioned butt sex? Oh, that's right, YOU. I just said I wouldn't have sex with you. You're the one naming specific acts. And maybe I wouldn't have had to relocate my blog if you would've been able to take a hint that certain people don't want to hear from you because you have nothing of value to say. This wasn't about me not having a sense of humor, this was about you being rude to people you don't know. However, since this little fight you started by being a dipshit has only proven to finally make your blog interesting, I'm putting a stop to it. As far as I'm concerned, you're dead. So you sack of cunt nuggets, have fun writing your little blog when all you have to write about is Mittens and your patheticv life of "socializing" by going to a sci-fi convention. You mock where I am in life? At least I'm not in my 30s and taking my cat to a sci-fi convention in a costume I made for it while harboring a grudge against a guy in his 20s for not having an exciting enough blog for you to read at 2 in the morning. Have fun being a virgin, oops, I mean have fun at the sci-fi convention. Don't forget to brush up on your irregular Klingon verbs.

10:47 PM

Gaaah! Avert your eyes!

"fuck u lloydchristmas69. shithead u aint got no right to b postin shit in other peoples blogs " (NOT made by the dork above in the picture)

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This next post goes out to all the dipsticks who can't write correctly to save their own life.

The above comment was left here on my site, probably by a gerbil with a keyboard and too much time on his hands. Gerbils and typwriters...funny stuff there.

I also added the picture at the top because I could not get over how stupid this clearly staged shot looks.

"Get a shot of me drinking this beer behind a stage."

What an ugly retardoramus rex!

Google image search will give you some crazy results based on what you look for.

I found "it" searching off the terms "Vaupel" and "douche-bag."

You can read his remarks here:

http://vaupel.blogspot.com/

But on to the post:
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yoyoyo--

Thees post goz to all thoz dissin on loyd.

fuk u - u got no write to be al up in my sit. Peepul just need to step down an look arownd beecuz I am not going anywheere.

u think I am not funny or worthwhile, but heere you are, reading this and poosting about it.
Bizzy week and the offise ahed. I haf fore reports doo to the bos and the intern is gon. I may hav to do aktual werk.

I'll bee sure to keeeeep all you azzes up too dates.

Curreny Muzzic: Moovie soundtrak to "Shikagoh"
Current mood: Misspelled

I've done the impossible

How could it get any worse after DMoany and that crazy Christian kid? Well friends, it has. I found this post from the blog of Vaupel Hemingway. I say that tongue-in-cheek because this dude sucks at writing a blog. I guess that Kansas newsletter didn't teach him anything. Here's a post and some of my commentary below.

"MISSING: wide open spaces

I went to a deli/convenience store in Manhattan on my way home. The world condensed as I walked through the cramped aisles (This is a symptom of social anxiety disorder. You should seek help immediately).

I longed for the wide aisles of my Target, Dillons, or even Aldi's (The feeling's not mutual. I checked; Target, Dillons and even Aldi's don't want you back). Almost every shop or store I've been into in New York is small. The street sidewalks are jammed with people. And rush hour on the subway is a melding of bodies worthy of any abstract art piece (This my friend, is not worthy of an art piece...your "writing," that is!!!!).

But it wasn't just the cramped conditions that got to me (Was it your bad writing, too? Did you read some of your past posts and it pushed you over the edge?).

I miss my friends. I miss my routine. I miss it all (Again, I checked; they'd prefer if you'd stay in New York and shut down this blog immediately. Repeat: CEASE BLOGGING IMMEDIATELY. Your bad writing is a hazard to Lloyd's eyes).

It's been a little over two weeks and I still haven't seen anyone I know in New York. (And that is my fault.) But I need familiar faces, familiar voices (I need a suckle on my mommy's nipple). I know that "The hardest part about moving forward is not looking backward." (Oh, then you're also probably familiar with the saying, "The hardest part about reading Vaupel Hemingway's blog is not poking my eyes out.") But after a wonderful month, an amazing year and a great six years, how can I not look back.

I moved into my apartment yesterday. And it is a nice apartment in a safe, cute Greek neighborhood. My room, while still in progress, is just as big, if not bigger than my Salina room (Look at me. I'm Braggy McBraggerson, and I have a big room! (Insert rasberry sound here). Sure, I didn't have any sheets last night, but I do today (Whew. That was a close call).

My new life is beginning to take shape. I won't stop looking back, but I won't stop moving forward (Then will you at least stop blogging? Please? It's for the good of the community).

My life was built in Kansas. My home was Salina. And my vacation home was Lawrence (You can afford a vacation home but you can't afford sheets? Bro, we've got to talk about your priorities...oh yeah, and shutting down this blog should be priority number one).

I miss it (But don't worry friends, I'm going to write about all the mundane details of my life on this blog. It will be like I never left. For more information, see Vaupel Hemingway's post on his bank situation).

But my new life begins here.

And now (Are you getting a sex change operation?)."

Curious Lloyd spends a week on vacation

Howdy do, asses --

Lloyd here with a mucho late update on the goings on im my Universe.

Where have I been, you may wonder? Let me just tantalize you by saying this: Rhymes with “squirrels in heat”

Anyway, here I am, fresh off a long-overdue vacation. I tell you, its goddamn hard to keep the boss from finding out the intern does all your weekly reports for you. Thank god the intern’s first language is anything but English.

Well, here I am. I’ve seen a whole new crap-load of movies and even read the Cliffs Notes version on the Old and New Testaments of the Bible. Did you know there was a pillar of salt and a baby was nearly chopped in half? Pretty gory reading, if you ask me.

This could be what's contributing to violence in our youth. The pink elephant in the room that no one wants to address on all these news shows...


I spent a few days on my annual national search for my biological father. The older I get the more my mom tells me, though her memory of dear ‘ol dad ends somewhere after her third tequila shot of the night back on a week early 1980s when she was knocked up with dear me.

Well, that’s all for now. I have not forgotten about any of you, especially DMoany, and I think that’s all I need to say on that matter...

I have a car to crap on.

Current mood: Dreary
Current music. They Might Be Giants

Fastest ban in the history of the Internet

Lloyd here with a quick update.

One weekend highlight is that I am now banned from a total stranger's blog for one little comment I made about how you should not list blogs on your resume. Duh! Who would do that?

Well, he got his panties in a wad, and here I am providing a free critique of his skill, or lack thereof. I tell you, some people are just not all there upstairs, if you know what I mean.

That said, I may have found DMoany's soulmate here:

You can fnd the entire blog here:
http://dreamlover0604.blogspot.com/
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First let me start with some good news! I am now considered "Staff Writer" (as opposed to "Contributing Writer") for the Eagle News! ( You must have written your very own local issues story all by your little self!) Woohoo! I'm still only writing boring articles (you mean all of them are boring? no surprise there!) (the ones that no one else wants) but now I'm getting paid for it (in cigarettes and IOUs). It sounds stupid, but its very cool to see your name in print. (Which is why you started this blog)
Anyway, on to the real purpose for this post. I am so angry (or perhaps disturbed, nervous, distraught, etc.) right now. I received the following message on my MySpace account today:
u are the cutest guy I've ever seen in my damn life and im sorry if that is forward of me to say, my name is tim and i would like to get to know u better. contact me sometime, (ps -- I want to have your babies)

And he left his contact information, including a phone number. Now, before even responding, I always try to get the most information I can. (You hide in his bushes? Sheesh!) So I check out his profile and a few things strike me as odd. (A) His orientation is not listed. This is one of the main reasons for getting the background info. I don't want some cop (what's the big deal with cops? You date illegally?) or homo-hater luring me into his lair with false promises. But this misstep can be easily explained as he just isn't completely open about his sexuality. (or he could be shy and wary of goons stalking him like you did) Fine. I'm not either, hell, my family doesn't even know. (B) His religion is protestant. (Strike one) Now, this explains why his orientation isn't listed (or does it...). It could also further my point that he's a homo-hater because he speaks often of prayer and God (or he could just be a little more well-adjusted with his slot in life than you...). Now I certainly don't have a problem with anyone being Protestant or speaking highly and/or often of God. I have a few religious friends myself (sure ya do). But it just tweaked me the wrong way. So this was my response:
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Thanks for the compliment! You're very cute yourself (so is the baby!). I'd like to get to know you better too. Feel free to email me @ sgc2002@gmail.com
I hope you don't mind that I am leery of giving out my phone # to people online.
Looking forward to hearing from you!
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I also included my AIM contact info. Shortly thereafter we have this conversation:
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[21:16] TIM: hi[21:16] STEVEN: hi there
[21:16] TIM: just wanted to say sorry i wasted ur time in sending that e-mail
[21:16] STEVEN: you're not wasting my time! what makes you say that?
[21:17] TIM: cause ur just like all the other gay guys of the world u cant even give me ur number so we can get to know each other
[21:18] STEVEN: I'm sorry, I just don't feel comfortable giving out my numbers to people I don't know yet
[21:18] TIM: well what ever
[21:18] TIM: nice talking to u
[21:18] TIM: byeWhich I've edited so the a**hole won't recieve flaming IMs from all of my Blogger friends. :)

This conversation was followed by a quick retaliation of mine which I still believe has some merit:

[21:19] STEVEN: for the record...nowhere on your profile is your orientation mentioned, so how am I to know that you're not a gay basher, couldn't that possibly be the reason why men don't give you their numbers?
[21:20] TIM: whatever
[21:20] TIM: laters
So now I'm upset, because this guy was cute and also because I might've been wrong. ( I bet you were wrong) Should I just give out my phone # to everyone that asks? (yes) Am I being paranoid? Or should I tell them it's "1-800-GO-2-HELL"? (I think it should be 1-800-WHINY-GUY)
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Lloyd out until next time, fellow asses!

My boss is a Jewish banker...

...not a carpenter. He is none other than Dan Schindvo (no relation to Oskar Schindler or Terry Schiavo), and he's a first-class boob.

Moving along...I suspect that my new friend Babes in Gayland is none other than DMoany. Will the real DMoany please stand up? I read he is going to work at the same newsletter as DMoany. Quinkie-dink? I think not. Ahh, the wonders of the next button in the righthand portion of the screen.

Anyway, I wrote a rather witty comment to his post about homosexual Jeopardy. He insists on being a Communist though. Why does everybody hate the First Amendment except for me and Mittens? Jeez! So, for all you folks who missed it, here it is again:

Gayest Jeopardy ... Ever

This afternoon I was watching Jeopardy because I couldn't find anything else to watch. It had to be one of the gayest episodes ever (the only way it could get gayer is if Elton John, Ellen and Regis Philbin were competing on the same episode of Celebrity Jeopardy. Yes, I know Regis isn't gay, but he's so Regis he's almost camp.)

But why was it so gay? First round, one of the categories was "'C'LOTHES," in which all the answers were types of clothes that began with the letter "c" (and yes, I did answer all of them correctly, even the one about caftans). Second round, one of the categories was "PLACE THAT TUNE," in which the contestants had to correctly identify the muscial a given song title was from (I missed two of the five, but I did get the Daily Double).

Anyway, the boy is back in Manhattan and we're going to have lunch together after we go to our respective churches. Church, then lunch with a boy where we will discuss the future of our relationship. I'm sure there's something odd about that, but I can't come up with a good enough zinger.

posted by capt.marvel @ 9:48 PM

And here's my reinactiment of homosexual Jeopardy:

Alex Trebek: "The answer is: D biggest loser on D blogger network."
(insert beep, beep sound)
AT: "Yes, Ken?"
Ken Jennings: "Who is DMoany?"
AT: "That's correct, Ken! You just won again. As a special prize, we'll fly you to New York's famed gay pride parade."
KJ: "I can't wait!"

Gay-dar off the hizzle, fo' shizzle

Since my last review was so well-received, I wanted to follow up with another critique, this time of one of my new favorite blogs, "Meadow of Lay-Z-Boys"

http://schlackerz.blogspot.com/

Here now, is the most recent post, with, of course, my witty banter inserted for critical and humorous effect. Mittens also says hello, which is what I call it when she ralphs on the kitchen counter. She says hello about twice a day. It makes a mess, but I know Mittens is a true friend.

Onward:
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Sunday, September 11, 2005

TITLE: InDescribable (sure are a lot of words that follow if that's the case!)

The only way to describe the way I feel is: InDescribable. But I'll try anyways! (I wish you wouldn't, but I can't stop you) Its something I've never felt before. Its like the sunsets colors, that give way to the moons lite glow, which in turn gives way to the sunrise. ( It's as if you smoked a really fat marijuana cigarette and can't shut up until you get some Cool Ranch Doritos) Its as if someone to that view, and made it into an emotion, and released it like a butterfly in my heart, to flitter around, litely bouncing off the walls of my heart everyonce in a while. (That must make you want to barf, or at least give you a bad case of ass pee) Or in the winter, when there is new fallen snow, not a print to be found, and the sun glances off it, making everything gleam. And the ice that covers the trees, in its crystal clarity. She makes me feel all this, and more. (This makes me feel like I'm reading one big cliche) Even the night, in the darkness, small things glow, the fireflies, everywhere, all blinking at once, (sounds like the power's on the fritz! hah!) take them all together, put them in my heart as well. I would do anything for her ( bet you'd volunteer to dance in a ballerina's tutu in the middle of town, if you catch my drift, wink-wink), be anywhere for her, and I always will be there for her, no matter what the situation. I'll love her forever, and nothing is going to take that from me, and especially not her (has she tried? You are starting to sound like a stalker! Sheesh!) . I always will be here to cheer her up ( I bet she loves a good joke that has a racist punchline), or help her to get better when she is sick, or hurt. I love her more than anything. And thats all there is to it. I'm so in love! (Indescribable, eh? Looks like you overcame that writer's block!)
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And so ends my critique. If I had to grade it, I would give it a D, as it lacks originality as love letters go. On top of all that, it has a strong homosexual overtone to it. If I was this chick, I'd be worried about the future. Adam and Eve? More like Adam and Steve, who like to recite poetry about snow and butterflies and kiss each other on the mouth.

Mittens thinks this is gross.

That's all for now. I have a big week ahead at work. I have two reports due to my boss that I haven't started. I'll probably just make our intern do the work for me and sign my name to it. Gots to love the college credit monkeys!

Current mood: Spicy
Current music: ABBA's greatest hits

The Biblical review

In an ongoing effort to keep all you asses on the cutting edge of all things Lloyd, I give you the latest in my continuing series of movie reviews.

This week: "The Passion of the Christ"

Starring:

-- Jesus (duh)
-- Directed by: Riggs from the 'Lethal Weapon' film series.

Let me cut right to the chase. This movie probably made Jesus roll in his grave. If He were alive today, he would die from embarrassment at what Hollywood did to His legacy.

Of course, Jesus would then rise again three days later, then die, then rise again three days later, and die again, and, well, you get the point, asses.

I rented this in the hopes that its R Rating would be indicative of something along the lines of gratuitous cleavage, liberal swearing and perhaps a few car chases and/or gunfights set in Biblical times.

Boy, was I let down. The dialogue was also very tough to understand for almost all of the movie. I think I may have rented the French dub of it by mistake.

Another thing -- The Jews came off looking really bad in this thing. If I were Jewish, I'd be really angry, as this makes their ancestors look like a band of murdering scoundrels. Oy!

Disappointment aside, I think this franchise has major upside potential to be turned into a trilogy ala "Spider Man" or (listening Mel?) "Lethal Weapon."

The second movie, tentatively titled "Jesus: Resurrection, Redemption, Revenge" could skip over a lot of the plot establishment this first one spent so much time on.

We get it! They don't like him, so they're going to nail him to wood. Sheesh!

Instead, the sequel can jump right into the plot.

We open with a shot of The Messiah riding through the desert on a camel gangsta' style alongside his sidekick named "Chip" (played by Jackie Chan, Chris Tucker or Crocodile Dundee). They are probably talking about something like how hung over they are from the night before or the fine tail they met up with in Bethlehem.

Suddenly, from behind, the duo is ambushed by a pack of renegade Jews hell-bent on revenge as Jesus and Chip recently busted their illegal chain of cocaine trafficking .

A camel chase ensues. Lots of dramatic skidding and fishtailing, and a hilarious montage where the chase leads them through a busy part of town and an old lady gets a watermelon stuck on her head during the course of the melee.

That's a must.

The chase ends with Jesus and Chip riding backwards on their camels and disposing of the renegade Jews by hurling explosive holy wafers at them right before their two camels jump a wide gorge.

Jesus also utters his catch phrase for the first time at this point:
"Thou shalt not piss me off!"

That's when we get the movie title and opening credits, set to the tune of "Kumbyah, my Lord" as performed by Paul McCartney and Metallica.

As you can see, this writes itself. The first version by Gibson was so lame, anything close to my vision would be divine.

Overall rating for "The Passion, part I:" D-minus.

Hope no one else out there wasted their time and money on this Holy crap.

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Current mood: Benign
Current music: A Chipmunks Christmas

I'm pro making your blog rock, Valet Parking

My Christian friend has some more comments today:

"I am pro-choice, as well. I am for choosing morality, abstinence outside of marriage, letting unborn children live - instead of murdering them because they are inconvenient. I am for fathers choosing to raise their children and love their wives, mothers being faithful to their husbands and choosing to marry someone of the opposite sex)."

http://www.vallofides.blogspot.com

Well, Valet Parking, I'm pro-choice, too. I'm pro you putting a stop to the bore that is your blog. I'm pro you getting some cock. I'm pro you purchasing a furry feline and swapping recipes with me.

"I found an astounding amount of bile directed at the President and the disaster response thus far. I refuse to link to any of these sites as I do not want to perpetuate the problem."

Vidal Sason here doesn't care about black people. Please, Vidal, perpetuate away. Now, Fidel Castro, our goal is to make your blog rock; a great feat, I know! Everybody, post a comment to Fidel's blog and tell him how he can make it less of a bore. (Here's an idea...stop acting bonkers!) I'll leave you with a few pears of wisdom from the good book: "I've got the magic stick (what? what?) Maaagic (uh-huh, uh-huh)" -- Psalms, 12:23

And God spoke to Lloyd and said: "Make this guy's blog cool."

You've got to love this, boys and girls and asses.

'Ol Lloyd has stumbled across a rather intriguing blog.

http://vallofides.blogspot.com/

Among the highlights, this Bible-beater criticizes the right to lambaste our President, who is quite possibly dumber than my cat.

Methinks that this fellow blogger would not be as pleased with the Government's response if the majority of those afflicted and shown on TV looked and lived a little more like him. I'm sure he'd also say that looting is a sin even if it was to feed your starving and dying family.

Just sayin'...

I know I'd grab food from those shelves like it was an event on 'American Gladiators.' I'd also wear the pads and shove people. I might even hurl my feces like a rabid monkey. I guess I'll never know until I wear the shoes..


In other Lloyd news, Mittens has been reading the feline interpretation of the Bible and wishes to pass along the following advice to Jesus Jr.:

"Don't hate the player, hate the game." -- Saint Ice T

Hurricane Bell

Yo Bitchazzzz --
Today was not the best day, as you might have guessed by glancing at the picture to my right. Forget Katrina. A gale force taco ripped through my colon today causing a massive shit storm that put most of my work's toilet in the brown. As bathroomgoers hurried to get out of the wake of Hurricane Bell, Mazzi, the bum in the picture, starred stank straight in the eye and moved closer. That guy is boonkers! He always wanders in the bank liquored up. He loves to go in the bathroom right after people pop a squat. He takes baths in the sink, too. He has even me dropping off the Cosby kids outside of my boss' car.

Anyway...Hurricane Bell's wrath didn't end there. I came home to find that Mittens, who shared a burrito with me last night, had been hot boxing the apartment all day. Jeez! Those people in New Orleans think they have problems. Try dealing with Hurricane Bell. You'll know true wrath then. I need W. to send the National Gaurd into my intestines to "evacuate the area."